


A Tempter Like You In A Place Like This

by fadeverb



Series: Kai and Mannie [19]
Category: In Nomine
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-23 23:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/932356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadeverb/pseuds/fadeverb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nomikos and Mannie do not, in fact, want to perform in this movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tempter Like You In A Place Like This

**Author's Note:**

> Even I don't consider this canonical for my own work, but...look, ideas hit sometimes, okay?

Nomikos folded his arms. "This is ridiculous."

"We're agreed on that point," Mannie said, flipping through his copy of the script, "but our options are somewhat reduced in these circumstances."

"It's not as if Kai hasn't gone through Trauma before," said the Malakite.

"Nomikos, if you get my boyfriend shot--"

"Isn't it currently in a female vessel?"

"...girlfriend. Whatever. If you get my girlfriend shot, I will personally demonstrate the way Malakim avoid Trauma on your current vessel. And any subsequent vessels you have on hand." Mannie tapped the script against his other hand pointedly. "And trust me, I know how to make it take a while."

"...it was only a suggestion." Nomikos picked up his script again, and glowered at the hopeful expression the director wore. "Where were we?"

"The initial greeting," said the Balseraph, helpfully. "Page two." He beamed from behind his camcorder. "Come on, put some enthusiasm into it!"

Nomikos cleared his throat, and read: "What's a cute little Tempter like you doing in a place like this? Don't you know the Eighth Virtue is full of dangerous, deadly Malakim? Why, you could get hurt, with no protection." He stopped, and glared at the Balseraph in a way that promised danger and _someone_ ending up dead. "Oh, come _on_."

"The faster we get through this, the faster we get Kai back and out of here," Mannie said, peering at the script. "And you haven't come to the truly atrocious dialogue yet. You should see the handcuff jokes."

"...there are handcuff jokes?" Nomikos paged forward rapidly. "Why are there handcuff jokes?"

"Well, Judgment," said the director. "Have to have the handcuff jokes. It's a play on the usual policeman trope, though we've done some marvelous things with FBI agents too. Page seventeen," he added helpfully.

Nomikos found the page. "...you want me to WHAT?"

Mannie rolled his eyes. "Get over it, and let's get on with this."

"They--on page eighteen, they--and then you're supposed to--and I'm--no!"

"Really," said the Balseraph soothingly, making patting motions with his free hand, "what's a little sex between friends?"

_"We're not friends!"_

The two angels paused, considered their joint statement.

"Acquaintances," Mannie allowed.

"Two people who happen to know each other, and have a mutual friend."

"But definitely not friends."

"No."

The director sighed. "What's a little sex between two acquaintances with a mutual friend, then? Work with me here, boys. I have a deadline to make, you two have a friend to rescue, this should work out well."

"If you have a deadline," said Mannie, "I could suggest a few cuts. Such as page twenty-three."

"And all the handcuff jokes," said Nomikos. "Oh, and that part with the series of quips about the sexual proclivities of various Archangels? We could take that out entirely."

"The pick-up scene in the Eighth Virtue," said Mannie. "An entirely unnecessary prologue to the action. Especially the part where I'm supposed to, ah, blush. I'm not sure I know how."

"No," said Nomikos, "let's leave in that scene, and cut out, say, pages seven to thirty-five inclusive."

"That's...all of the actual sex, Nomikos."

"Precisely!"

"You can't have a porn flick without the sex," protested the Balseraph. "It just wouldn't fly back home. Look, it's taken me _this_ long to find a Malakite of Judgment and a Lilim who'll cooperate, the least you could do is give it a try!"

He quailed under the twin glares. "...we could cut out the bit about the handcuffs. Standard fare. No big loss."

"And the part with the Archangel jokes," Nomikos said.

"But that's my best writing!"

"No, no," Mannie said. "Your best writing clearly resides on page thirty-eight."

"...the script only has thirty-seven pages."

"That would be my point."

"You know," said Nomikos, "we could simply kill him and go apologize to Kai after she gets out of Trauma."

"No!"

The Malakite coughed. "I mean, I'm only saying that given that part at the bottom of page thirty-four, with your dialogue..."

The Bright Lilim flipped to that page. Read it over silently. "...maybe."

"Hey, I'm flexible," said the Balseraph. "We can tone that down a little." He gulped at their looks. "Remember, I'm the one in charge here! If you two don't cooperate, I'll--"

Whatever he meant to say was cut off when a microphone smacked him in the mouth. The camcorder hit the floor, as the mike swung around on the end of the cord to smack the demon again. On the fourth blow, the Balseraph settled for curling up into a ball, whimpering, arms wrapped protectively over his head.

"Hey," said Kai, bouncing up and down on her heels. "What was all that about?"

"...it's complicated," Mannie said. "I'll tell you about it later."

"Not if I can help it," Nomikos murmured, quietly enough that only Mannie could hear him. And more loudly, "Weren't you...kidnapped? Gun to your head? That sort of thing?"

"Oh, well, that." Kai shrugged, and poked the whimpering Balseraph with one foot. "It happens from time to time. Did you know that you can beat someone up with a sofa cushion? I mean, I can, you might have more trouble with it." She swung the microphone idly about in one hand. "Hey, is that a script?"


End file.
